Scarke no Densetsu
by Umeko the God
Summary: This is a story about Scar and his family. Spoilers for up to manga chapter 66!
1. Moving

Author's Note: This isn't AU, I swear!

**SCAR-KE NO DENSETSU**

One bright and sunny day, Scar came home from work at exactly six o'clock, just as his wife was setting dinner on the table!

Actually, it wasn't bright and sunny out, because it was almost winter so it was pretty dark at six PM, but it was bright and sunny earlier in the day, I promise!

"Welcome home, Danna!" Yoki exclaimed, greeting his husband at the door. "Dinner is ready!"

"Well, it's fortunate I came home at exactly six o'clock, then!" Scar laughed, sitting down at his place at the table. "What is for dinner, darling?"

Yoki brought over a large pot, wearing pink flowery potholders. "Tonight we're having hobo gruel!"

"Yum, my favorite!" said Scar. "Now where is musume?"

"I don't know, I'll call for her." Yoki yelled up the stairs for their daughter, "Mei-chan! Dinner is ready!"

Mei bounded down the stairs, her dark braids dancing behind her, and Xiao Mei on her shoulder. Following her was Marcoh, the dog that they had recently adopted from the Humane Society. "Hi Mama! Hi Papa, how was work?" she asked.

"It was explosive!" Scar answered, and everyone laughed heartily (except Marcoh, who only barked, and was too emo to laugh anyway).

So then they all gathered around the dinner table and started to eat their tasty gruel. (Scar washed his hands first, of course, because exploding State Alchemists is a very messy job!)

About halfway through the meal, Scar put down his eating utensil and cleared his throat. "I have something important to tell all of you," he announced. He waited until everyone had their eyes on him, then continued. "We are going to be moving."

"What!" Mei cried, dropping her eating utensil in shock. "No! I don't want to move!"

"Where are we moving to?" asked Yoki.

"Woof!" barked Marcoh.

"Now now, calm down, my family," Scar said placatingly. "I know that it's sudden, but circumstances have made it so that we have to move to the north. We'll be moving tomorrow."

Poor little Mei was crying. "No, Papa! I don't want to leave my friends!"

Crossing his arms, Scar said, "Well, that's good, because all your friends are moving to the north, also!"

"Oh, okay!" Mei chirped, and stopped crying instantly.

"In fact, we'll be carpooling with them, since we don't have a car!"

"YAY!" everyone cheered. Then they finished eating their gruel, packed up their belongings (they didn't have much, they are hobos after all!), and went to bed so that they would be well-rested for the dig moving day!

---

The next day was a bright and sunny day again!

It was a tight fit with a family of three, a dog, a panda, four homunculi, a bean, a suit of armor, a walking data bank, and an old man with uber-awesome super cosmic alchemic powers all in one car, even if it was Father's large van. But everyone was in high spirits anyway, because at least Gluttony was a tumor on Father's chest and wasn't riding in the van with them!

"Hey, everyone!" shouted Father, who was at the wheel. "Let's sing a song! _I'd do anything, for you, dear, anything...!_"

Wrath gladly joined in, but everyone else stayed silent and just listened (only because they didn't know the words and not because they were lacking in spirit, I assure you!).

Mei looked up at the shadowy figure sitting next to her. "Hello, my name is Mei, what's yours?"

"I'm Pride," said the shadowy figure. "It's nice to meet you, Mei."

"It's nice to meet you too, Pride-san!" Mei replied. Then they didn't say anything else for the rest of the ride!

"_Would you tie my shoe?_"

"_Anything!_"

Actually, the ride was pretty boring and there's too many characters for me to handle! So we'll skip a while until they reached the Briggs Mountains. There they saw a hitchhiker on the mountain trail, and since Father is such a nice guy and all, he stopped the van and rolled down the window. Then he saw that the hitchhiker was none other than...

"Why, if it isn't Van Hohenheim!" Father exclaimed cheerfully. "How have you been, pal?"

"Why, I've been just swell!" Hohenheim answered. "I'm currently headed north, because apparently there's something called 'plot' there!"

Father gasped. "That's where we're headed as well! Why don't you hop in and we'll give you a ride?"

"NO!" shouted everyone in the van, but especially Ed. It was crowded enough in the van already!

Hohenheim didn't mind that he was blatantly excluded from the group, though! "That's all right, Father! I have my own means of getting there."

Hohenheim then opened his shirt to reveal a suit with an 'S' on it underneath! Then he raised his hands to the sky and flew off into the horizon!

Nobody commented on that, because it's common knowledge that Hohenheim is actually Superman, after all. So they all shrugged and continued on their journey to the north!

---

I might continue this someday maybe.


	2. Divorce

Author's Note: Btw, all these characters are totally IC also. It's the truth.

**SCAR-KE NO DENSETSU - CHAPTER TWO!**

At some point in the Briggs Mountains, Father's huge van crashed and everyone was thrown off in different directions, many landing miles away. There is a perfectly logical explanation for how this is physically possible, of course, but I'll spare you the details. All you need to know is that it DID happen.

So. It was a bright and sunny day!

Actually, I'm totally lying, it was the middle of the night.

Mei, Xiao Mei, and Marcoh had landed somewhere DEEP in the barren wilderness of the Briggs mountain range, in the middle of a blizzard. They huddled together for warmth as they walked around aimlessly looking for some sign of civilization.

"I'm cooooold," whined Mei. "I wonder if Papa and Mama are okay..."

Marcoh didn't answer; he was being EXTRA emo due to their unfavorable situation.

They walked around. And they walked some more. After a long while of walking, they were just about ready to collapse and die of hypothermia when they saw... a run-down hut!!

"Wow, look!!" Mei exclaimed, forgetting for the moment that she was about to die of hypothermia. "What an extravagant house!!"

Remember that they are a hobo family, so this run-down hut is, like... Buckingham Palace in their eyes.

Well. Not to Marcoh. He used to live in a vast underground hideout before he was rescued by the Humane Society. But he was so cold and so tired, he wasn't complaining! Heck, he wasn't even being emo for a moment!

The girl, dog, and panda rushed into the house and breathed a sigh of relief. The hut wasn't ACTUALLY that warm, because the walls weren't insulated and there was no heat source, but at least they were out of the wind and snow!

Mei used her rentanjutsu to start a fire, because that's totally possible. After feeding it some sticks and firewood that had been lying in the corner, she shuffled around to see if she could find anything else to put in the fire. "Hmm, let's see... Hey, what's this?"

Sticking out of the floorboards was some sort of brown lump. Mei tugged on it, and it came free to reveal that it was an old, leather-bound book!

"Wow, a book!" she said, and opened it up. "Hmm, that's weird... it looks like a bunch of pawprints."

His curiosity piqued, Marcoh looked over her shoulder at the pages of the book. His eyes went wide and he snatched the book from her.

"Hey! Marcoh!!" Mei was about to scold him for stealing things from people, but she noticed that he seemed to be poring over the book intently. "What? Can you read that book, Marcoh?"

Well, of course he could. It was written in Dog!

As he read, Marcoh got a sort of sinking feeling in his stomach. This was not good...

---

Yoki stood up and brushed himself off after being thrown off into a random direction and landing in a snowdrift. He huffed angrily and stamped his feet. "That's it! I've had it!!"

At that moment, Scar's head popped out of the snow also, and he asked, "With what?"

"With you!" Yoki screamed, pointing at his husband accusingly. "This would have never happened if we hadn't had to move from Central!" Scar sighed and opened his mouth to say something, but Yoki silenced him. "Nope, not another word! I'm through with you!! I want a divorce!!"

A panicked look arose on Scar's face, because that's totally a facial expression that he would ever make. "No! Yoki, calm down, you can't-"

"Oh yes I can! You have given me nothing but misfortune, Scar!"

Scar flinched. That was the first time in years that Yoki had called him by anything other than "Danna"! He tried to calm his wife down. "Yoki, you can't leave. You have no future without me. Think of who people will regard you as!"

Yoki paused for a moment. He hated to admit it, but his husband had a point. Scar was a professional mass murderer, and Yoki was his wife and accessory. He groaned in defeat. "Why do I always come back to you...?"

"Because you love me?" Scar tried.

Yoki smiled, and Scar smiled back. Then they joined hands and skipped off happily.

Oh my GOD, that is some disturbingly odd imagery.

---

To be continued... whenever canon allows!


End file.
